Managing Former Peers
It’s tricky to navigate relationships after a move to management, or any situation where a former peer now reports to you. Can you still have lunch together? What if they earn a lot more than you? What’s going to happen when you disagree and have to overrule their decision? Are they going to resent you?
Here’s a guide to help you navigate this change.
Don’t pretend like nothing changed
There are plenty of situations that you can quietly ignore until they resolve themselves and everyone forgets about the tension in the first place. This is not one of them.
I’ve spoken with so many leaders who are having issues with a former peer. My first question is “how did you address the change when you moved in to management?” All but one have said, “oh, I guess we never directly addressed it.”
How did you get here?
The circumstances surrounding the change should influence the way you approach the situation.
Was there one management spot open, and both you and your former peer were competing for it?
Did you former manager depart the company, leaving a leadership gap, and you willingly stepped up?
Are you managing a team with someone you worked with on a previous team, but continued to be friends with?
Are you a new hire?
Your situation might be a mix of a few of these.
If there was just one management position available, and you won out over a group of peers or other applicants, expect some resentment and disappointment in the short term. It’s normal. But this period really sucks for you, because you’re probably going to mess up quite a few times as your transition into a new role. It’s probably going to be uncomfortable. You might also feel discouraged, like the hiring committee made a bad choice, or that your former peer is right in thinking that they could be doing a better job. This will all pass. Remember you’re there because someone else agreed that you were the right person. Balance that feeling with knowing it’s going to take you all a bit of time to settle in.
Address the awkwardness
“It’s a little weird that we used to be peers and now I’m your manager. How do you feel about it"?”
There’s no need to be subtle here. Just dive in. First, listen to them. Second, you can share some detail about the transition from your point of view.
But even if your former peers have absolutely 0 aspirations to move to management, it’s still weird.
Make sure to state clearly that this is a career change for you. You have a different job now than what you had before. There might be some habits that need to change between you and your direct report now that you’re a manager.
It might be worth calling out that this doesn’t mean that you’re a better engineer than they are. This can often be a point of contention and a reason for resistance. “Well, I’m a much stronger programmer than she is, why is she managing our team?” This objection loses power when the other person understands that the role of a manager isn’t to code. It can be helpful to share your performance criteria or job description with your team so they know what to expect from you.
Reinforce your commitment
Reinforce that you’re there to support them and the rest of the team. This is also a good time to emphasize that their expertise is important for your team’s success.
They probably have a bunch of ideas for things that they want to change — and things that they want to remain the same. Hear them out, but avoid the temptation of changing too much at once.
Make a plan for when things get weird
Every human gets annoyed with their boss. You do, and your direct reports do. Except now, you’re the boss.
Make a plan for when things get awkward. It’s not a question of if, but when, things get tense because of mismatched expectations between you and a former peer.
You can’t give them a raise they asked for
You need them to work on a project you know they won’t enjoy
You have to pull the plug on a project they’re really interested in
You veto hiring someone that they’re really enthusiastic about
They give you feedback about something and you don’t implement their suggested change
And honestly thousands more
Have a plan when those situations arise. Do you agree to talk about it face to face, send a Slack message as soon as you can, or save it for a 1-1 where you can give it more attention?
If you’re still an individual contributor preparing for the leap to management, one helpful thing you can do right now is to share your desire to be a manager with your team.
Then, when the time comes for you to lead a team of your own, it’s not surprising. It’s easier for people to support you when they know it’s what you’ve been working towards.
It might help you to keep in mind that tens of thousands of people have made this same transition, with success.
Some of them might even be at your company!
